Kiteboarding Article in St. Pete Times

Wow. It took him THAT long? Slow digestive system huh? Karma baby, karma.

My Sugar Free Chocolate (SFC) episode started within about an hour or 2 of eating it in the mall. When it did "hit the fan", Donna was with me. It was BAD. I am talking no one has smelled anything worse.. no way... just ask Donna sometime. It was not the smell of a fart. It was more like the bowels of hell.

Unfortunately my attack occurred inside Bed Bath and Beyond (BBB) while looking for stuff for the house. Donna and I hadn't been living together in sin long (this was about 4 years ago) and I owed her mega brownie (ha ha) points due to continually canceling on stuff to .... (duh... kiteboard!).
So, when she said she wanted to buy stuff for the house at BBB, a bad stomach ache just wasn't gonna get me out the obligation, and frankly, I wanted to get it done that day, (it was windless that day) regardless of the pain I was in.

Well, what started off as a real bad stomach ache progressed to an uncontrollable and necessary need to relieve abdominal pressure by "pooping the cork" occasionally. (note* store was crowded on this day)

When I was about to pop, I would make up some lame excuse to check out something further down the aisle, slowly walk away, pretend to look at something while relieving myself, wait a second or 6, and then return to her, hoping the fart didn't "follow me" (I still don't get the physics on that one, but apparently some of these pesky ones can walk)

At first she thought someone else was farting maybe (cuz they were apparently walking back with me). It took her about 3 or 4 "fart and runs" to realize it was me. I think she caught on when an elderly person screamed at me in disgust while I farted near them while pretending to look at hand towels. The really sad thing was it was PACKED in there that day (isn't it always with those BBB types?) and I couldn't find vacant spots to leave one. I was forced to choose my victims (the humanity!) I usually went for the kids separated from a parent, assuming - 1)they had better odds of survival, and 2) surely the parent would blame the child for the act.


Unfortunately the farting frequency, and worse, potency of the farts, was getting exponentially worse with each passing minute.
The half lives of these gaseous gifts were outrageous, (on the nuclear decay side... they just didn't obey the diffusive laws of physics) so they would hang in full potency for a minimum of 3 minutes. It was bad. I was starting to run out of victims and slowly becoming a repeat offender. I was on the verge of being ratted out.

Finally, Donna and I decided we better just buy what we got in our limited visit to BBB and get out of there. So she headed to the check out line.
This is the worse part here (as if this story isn't shitty enough).

While she was in line, I had literally been pulling the "fart and go" move everywhere in the store for the past twenty minutes .... Fart... go... fart.. go... trying to minimize potential inhalation poisoning of infants and asthma attacks of the elderly....... when my worst, biggest fart was coming. I could feel it.. this was gonna be a big one. Hiroshima was descending from my colon.

Well, I decided to attempt to release this one while walking full speed to maximize the area of dispersal. I had also decided to bolt out the store at this point (the fart while on the move, move).
I was adjacent to all the people waiting in the various check out lines (including Donna) when I attempted this advanced mode of release.
I did a decent job, especially for someone with not much practice at this advanced procedure, I was moderately proud of myself, actually. Not a hint of shart, just pure gas. It seemed I was gonna make it to the car without a brownie stain.

One problem though...... you know those fans that rotate a full 180 degrees every 10 seconds or so?

Yep... that fukin' thing had initiated a full swath of the area immediately following gaseous release. I hadn't spotted the fan before my release. What an oversight! How could I be so narrow sighted? This was going to be the worst fart in the worse place with the worse technological enhancement of dispersal I had ever witnessed. I needed to quickly prepare my eyes for what they were about to witness.

Well that stupid fan effectively blew my purposely placed fart (about 40 feet upwind of potential victims, in an uninhabited area) right into every single person standing in every single check out line! It was horrible. Yes, people actually dropped out of line (no lie, about 20 percent of them) and got out of the area in sheer disgust.

What an irony I thought... the "shit literally hit the fan".

Some of you may wonder why I remained in the store in my condition. You OBVIOUSLY have no clue on the fact that to get brownie points, you have to be in the store with your partner (not in the parking lot... no go on that one). Otherwise, trust me.. for the love of all that is good in this world, I would never have jeopardized all those innocent lives.
It was worth it baby.. I got to ride the next day (this was before Donna was a kiter, if I remember correctly)

True story, sorry it was so long (I just noticed E-bone's return to the forum and this post was basically a challenge to him to see who can write the longest post with absolutely no kiting relevance.. I WIN )

[toby wilson]

My Father always taught me to open the passenger side door for a lady while on a date like a gentleman...so you can relieve yourself of all of the built-up gases after dinner as you walk around the back of the car to the drivers side door. That man is a genius.

[Danimal8199]

Great story SS I think I just laughed so hard I sharted!

Oh, and one comment on the article...more than likely it was written by someone who is not familiar with the subject matter.

At my last job I had a freelance writter doing a PR piece on my companys products, gas/steam/coal/nuclear powered turbines and industrial sized generators for power plants.

She asked me when I went to a job site if I took the turbine with me, not knowing they are the size of a small building...

I had a lot of explaining to do...but these kinds of things happen all the time, just like 100 foot kiteloops

Wait.. not yet...

There was the time I ate Thai food. I say "Can you make it spicy?" the waitress says "How spicy you like it". My wife leans over me interrupting and says "As hot as you can make it. He can take it. He likes it that way.".

Rather than eat my pride, I just nodded. Hmmm....

When it came it was still sizzling and letting off some smoke. It was so spicy everyone's eyes started watering and people everywhere in the restaurant started coughing and gagging.

The waitress ran and opened the front doors and a few minutes later I looked over to see all of the cooks leaning out the kitchen... staring at me. Some with a grin, and some with a concerned look. Nice.

So I ate... I held back any emotion or signs of pain. The waitress asked me "You like some water?". I calmly said no.

She came back again "You need a refill on your drink???". No. I do not, I'm fine.

Yeah I'm stubborn. I ate the whole meal without a drink, paid and left.

They were impressed. I could tell.

I went home, went to bed. Nothing too bad. No big deal. This will show the wife! yeah... this will show her.

The next morning, I drove to work and started feeling the cramps. I had to drive an hour to sarasota so I toughed it out the whole way, holding my breath at times to prevent any sort of surprise. When I got there I rushed to the bathroom, and there were a few people in there taking a whiz.

I calmly walk to the stall, close the door, drop my pants, bend over and before I could even approach the toilet seat there is this really loud "POP!" sound, like a balloon popping!?!

Startled I look back and it looks like someone textured the entire wall behind the toilet with brown mud. Argh! An ass explosion! Not in the toilet, not on the seat, on the entire wall behind me. Hell I hadn't even sat down yet!

Just as someone at the sink says "what the heck was that" the smell hits and people start gagging. Nothing smells as bad as airborne liquid pooh... worst part was I had to sit there for another hour trying not to think about it until i could finish my business enough to clean off the wall and leave.

Ok I'm done. I don't need any new nick names.

[shogun1204]

Originally Posted by E-Bone

A significant amount of the rest of us are just trying to have fun without injury and most of our sessions involve cruising around, busting some movez, and trying to develop skillz and have fun without unacceptable levels of risk. The average kiter around here, including me, is not trying to be the next Laird. We're no different than the legions of other people who are stoked to charge some sport and stay active, whether the sport is bowling, running marathons, or whatever. So let's enjoy the stoke without acting like we are the Delta Force of the sports world.

HMMMM...I dont know Ebone, I think being the Delta Force of the Sports world sounds AWESOME!!!!! We need to talk one of the Kite Compaines to start making CAMO colored Kites!!!!

HEY Alex, Talk to Dimitri and tell him to get camo colored kites. You, the Bone and I can be the Delta Force SQUAD RIDERS!!!!!

Funny as hell.

I saw the forecast (Josh Linker) while in the gym. Looked like Tom's poop explosion the way the 7 different colored forecast paths bifurcated ad nasuem from the North to South Poles after 3 days out.
They are really covering their asses on this one.

The new Eclipse kites look pretty cool. Camo might be a new one. Do you think anyone would buy it? I personally hate camo, but was amazed at how many harnesses, footstraps, etc. we sold that were camo. (People can still see you with that crap on, ya' know).

[shogun1204]

CAMO IS FREAKING AWESOME!!!!!!!!!

Even if the KITE SUCKED I would STILL RIDE IT!!!!!!!! This way when I ride in and with my CAMO Rash Guard, my CAMO Board Shorts, and my CAMO FREAKING KITE!!!!! I can tell people on the beach that I am a MUTHER F!@$$!$% KITE SOILDERS BEYOCHATCHES!!!!!!!!!!! DELTA FORCE KITE SQUAD RIDER!!! HOLLA!!!!!


(Yeah NSI had Camo foot straps....yes I have a pair of them!)

Delta force baby.
Hey off topic, but that's good considering where this went.
You watching Tapout or any other MMA shows Roy?

MMA shows are the current (gonna get even bigger) bomb in terms of revenue. WWE is dead and boxing is dying too, so it's logical MMA would step in. Anyway, you watchin' any of it?

[shogun1204]

I have only really been watching UFC since Pride got bought out. Not really in the "Real World" UFC shows that much. Been watching WEC too, which is UFC minor league bascially. That IFL stuff is bad, the quality of the show and the figthers kind of suck.

UFC PPV on the 25th has some pretty good fighters. Couture vs Gonzaga. Koscheck vs St. Pierre, and Cote vs Groove.

Next month on the 8th will be a awesome fight with Rampage vs Henderson. I really want Rampage to win but think Dan Henderson is going to win. I think this fight will go the distance with Rampage. Henderson is a elite fighter and is on top of his game. Also Chuck Liddel was suppose to fight Wanderlei Sylvia, but Syliva had to backout due to him still trying to move to the US from Brazil. I was really looking foward to seeing Sylvia beat the CRAP out of Liddel. Sorry Toby Liddel is SOOOO overrated. You will never see him hold a title again. To many good fighters in the 205 class now.

Originally Posted by Skyway Scott

True story, sorry it was so long (I just noticed E-bone's return to the forum and this post was basically a challenge to him to see who can write the longest post with absolutely no kiting relevance.. I WIN )

Well, the contest isn't over yet, Scott, but I have to say, this was an admirable effort. This is damn funny. Bad Breath & Beyond is such a pain in the ass and I hate getting stuck in that place, so I am glad you took it out on everybody in there. Tom's story about Thai-ing one on was the shit, too. But to say that the contest is over is premature. That's probably the biggest kiting risk around here, that I will post so fiercely on a topic, kite-related or not, that local kiters will be injured or killed while trying to read it in one sitting.

On to another point. Camo kites sound cool, but what if you get dragged into the mangroves? No one would be able to find you. An invisible kite would be better--it would force a rider to fly the kite on feel and it would sort of be like Wonder Woman's invisible plane. And Wonder Woman is tougher than Delta Force, or at least better looking (even though no one ever sees Delta force, I guess, they could be like the original Charlie's Angels). But I am getting distracted. Wonder Woman is like a dominatrix with the golden lasso of truth and I am looking forward to having her put a beatdown on me for being such a bad boy.