Kiteboarding Article in St. Pete Times

Wow. It took him THAT long? Slow digestive system huh? Karma baby, karma.

My Sugar Free Chocolate (SFC) episode started within about an hour or 2 of eating it in the mall. When it did "hit the fan", Donna was with me. It was BAD. I am talking no one has smelled anything worse.. no way... just ask Donna sometime. It was not the smell of a fart. It was more like the bowels of hell.

Unfortunately my attack occurred inside Bed Bath and Beyond (BBB) while looking for stuff for the house. Donna and I hadn't been living together in sin long (this was about 4 years ago) and I owed her mega brownie (ha ha) points due to continually canceling on stuff to .... (duh... kiteboard!).
So, when she said she wanted to buy stuff for the house at BBB, a bad stomach ache just wasn't gonna get me out the obligation, and frankly, I wanted to get it done that day, (it was windless that day) regardless of the pain I was in.

Well, what started off as a real bad stomach ache progressed to an uncontrollable and necessary need to relieve abdominal pressure by "pooping the cork" occasionally. (note* store was crowded on this day)

When I was about to pop, I would make up some lame excuse to check out something further down the aisle, slowly walk away, pretend to look at something while relieving myself, wait a second or 6, and then return to her, hoping the fart didn't "follow me" (I still don't get the physics on that one, but apparently some of these pesky ones can walk)

At first she thought someone else was farting maybe (cuz they were apparently walking back with me). It took her about 3 or 4 "fart and runs" to realize it was me. I think she caught on when an elderly person screamed at me in disgust while I farted near them while pretending to look at hand towels. The really sad thing was it was PACKED in there that day (isn't it always with those BBB types?) and I couldn't find vacant spots to leave one. I was forced to choose my victims (the humanity!) I usually went for the kids separated from a parent, assuming - 1)they had better odds of survival, and 2) surely the parent would blame the child for the act.


Unfortunately the farting frequency, and worse, potency of the farts, was getting exponentially worse with each passing minute.
The half lives of these gaseous gifts were outrageous, (on the nuclear decay side... they just didn't obey the diffusive laws of physics) so they would hang in full potency for a minimum of 3 minutes. It was bad. I was starting to run out of victims and slowly becoming a repeat offender. I was on the verge of being ratted out.

Finally, Donna and I decided we better just buy what we got in our limited visit to BBB and get out of there. So she headed to the check out line.
This is the worse part here (as if this story isn't shitty enough).

While she was in line, I had literally been pulling the "fart and go" move everywhere in the store for the past twenty minutes .... Fart... go... fart.. go... trying to minimize potential inhalation poisoning of infants and asthma attacks of the elderly....... when my worst, biggest fart was coming. I could feel it.. this was gonna be a big one. Hiroshima was descending from my colon.

Well, I decided to attempt to release this one while walking full speed to maximize the area of dispersal. I had also decided to bolt out the store at this point (the fart while on the move, move).
I was adjacent to all the people waiting in the various check out lines (including Donna) when I attempted this advanced mode of release.
I did a decent job, especially for someone with not much practice at this advanced procedure, I was moderately proud of myself, actually. Not a hint of shart, just pure gas. It seemed I was gonna make it to the car without a brownie stain.

One problem though...... you know those fans that rotate a full 180 degrees every 10 seconds or so?

Yep... that fukin' thing had initiated a full swath of the area immediately following gaseous release. I hadn't spotted the fan before my release. What an oversight! How could I be so narrow sighted? This was going to be the worst fart in the worse place with the worse technological enhancement of dispersal I had ever witnessed. I needed to quickly prepare my eyes for what they were about to witness.

Well that stupid fan effectively blew my purposely placed fart (about 40 feet upwind of potential victims, in an uninhabited area) right into every single person standing in every single check out line! It was horrible. Yes, people actually dropped out of line (no lie, about 20 percent of them) and got out of the area in sheer disgust.

What an irony I thought... the "shit literally hit the fan".

Some of you may wonder why I remained in the store in my condition. You OBVIOUSLY have no clue on the fact that to get brownie points, you have to be in the store with your partner (not in the parking lot... no go on that one). Otherwise, trust me.. for the love of all that is good in this world, I would never have jeopardized all those innocent lives.
It was worth it baby.. I got to ride the next day (this was before Donna was a kiter, if I remember correctly)

True story, sorry it was so long (I just noticed E-bone's return to the forum and this post was basically a challenge to him to see who can write the longest post with absolutely no kiting relevance.. I WIN )